Why are we so cruel to ourselves?

In my practice, I have noticed that people often come to me for help because they themselves are ruthless towards themselves and need external support and encouragement.

Where does this ruthlessness come from?

The first answer that comes to mind is that the media has created this feeling in many people.

We're led to believe that we need to be successful. You have to look good to conquer the world. Become more confident and then everything will definitely work out.

This imposed stereotype of success makes everyone worry. Because no matter how hard you try, no matter how good and successful you are, you still feel like it's not enough. After all, there is someone else who is more successful.

Thus, the advice to "become more confident" turns against us. The more we try to increase our confidence, the more damage we do to ourselves.

Stepping out of your comfort zone, taking uncomfortable actions to achieve results is one thing. Being hard on ourselves is another. Unfortunately, few people notice the difference. And instead of gradually and at his own pace to reveal his potential, a person turns into the most demanding and strict supervisor for himself. And this becomes a barrier to achievement and relationships.

Read also - Everything starts with a point. Where is your fulcrum in life?

What are the dangers of the self-esteem trap?

The culture of achievement and success is rooted in high self-esteem - you must be special, unique and at least above average.

This creates tremendous pressure. By trying to be special in the eyes of others, we turn our future into a moving target. No matter how close we get, the target still moves away. And we feel like we will never live up to our own expectations or those of others.

Self-esteem has been turned into a deceptive trap - once you fall into it, it's almost impossible to get out.

American researchers (Jean Wenge and Kate Campbell) say we are experiencing an epidemic of narcissism. Humanity has never in its history encouraged and rewarded vanity as much as it does today.

No wonder egotists have become mainstream - people prefer to see themselves rather than the places they visit. Even against the backdrop of such wonders of the world as the Eiffel Tower and the Taj Mahal, we take photos so that our face is in the foreground.

People used to take pictures to remember what they saw. Now many people take it upon themselves to make eye contact with others - they want someone to pay attention to them.

The culture of narcissism does anything but help you succeed The need to win at all costs drives people to cheat, starting in high school. Cheating on a test, tripping a friend to finish first, fawning in front of the boss for a promotion....

Overconfidence and self-esteem lead to dangerous consequences of self-deception:

Forcing us to compare ourselves to others: instead of becoming our own standard, we let others determine what we need. Continuous comparisons create two of the most poisonous emotions: envy and jealousy;

Blinding: when we feel self-righteous, we stop listening to other points of view. Our perspective is the only thing we pay attention to;

overestimate our abilities: the desire to overpower others takes over and we become arrogant;

measuring ourselves by our appearance: the culture of narcissism makes us focus on the outside. We believe we will feel more confident if we look good. Self-esteem is directly linked to beauty, especially among women.

What's the worst?

Self-esteem is tied to success. When something goes wrong, we feel unhappy.

The pressure is too hard. The pressure is too intense. People have stopped being kind and compassionate to themselves.

"Kindness is not just about how you treat others; it has to do with how you treat yourself."

Londro Rinzler

Self-awareness, not self-esteem

Attempts to increase self-esteem are directly linked to anxiety and mental health disorders.

Research shows that we tend to see ourselves through the eyes of others, especially when we're teenagers. Psychologist David Elkind talks about this as an "imagined audience" that reflects a teenager's limited ability to distinguish between his own thoughts about himself and what other people think of him. He lives with the idea that the "imaginary audience" is watching them.

This exaggerated feeling as if you are "on stage" all the time leads to increased self-consciousness and harsher self-criticism. This pressure leads to feelings of isolation, loneliness, and anxiety.

Self-esteem is then expressed as comparing one's abilities to others, which often leads one to a disadvantage. Self-awareness is about being open - it is a dispassionate look at our self, including both triumphs and failures.

Self-confidence comes from fear - we create the perfect mask to protect ourselves from others. Self-awareness arises from love - we appreciate who we are.

But self-awareness is weak. Because it's based on acceptance, and that's hard.

As strange as it may sound, self-criticism is much easier. Let me explain.

Self-criticism is consistently associated with less motivation and worse self-control. In fact, it puts your brain into a state of inhibition, preventing you from taking action to achieve your goals.

In other words, self-criticism is an excuse for your own weakness. Being hard on yourself is cowardice. After all, it is easier to punish yourself for a mistake than to learn to accept your whole self with flaws and failures.

Paul Gilbert argues that lack of compassion for ourselves is not our fault. This mechanism has developed through evolution as a necessity for survival. The way we were raised also determines our attitude toward self-awareness.

But the good news is that we can train ourselves to have compassion for ourselves.

Take care of yourself first

Most believe that their self-esteem determines their happiness. And they turn self-esteem into the enemy within, which encourages them to see themselves in terms of bad and good.

We mistakenly believe that self-criticism will make us act out, attacking troubles and difficulties. But in fact we are attacking ourselves.

Compassion is your ally, especially in difficult times.

Compassion for others increases levels of oxytocin (one of the happiness hormones). Oxytocin in turn produces feelings of trust, calmness, security, and generosity.

But to take care of others, you must first take care of yourself. You can't truly love others if you don't love yourself.

To care for others, you must first put on your oxygen mask.

"Compassion is at the core of human survival, it is what makes human lives valuable and meaningful."

Dalai Lama

Interesting to read - 12 commandments of self-love

How to defeat the enemy within

Compassion is a necessary step for self-awareness and acceptance. When you are kind to yourself, everything falls into place.

1- Declare unconditional self-acceptance

Albert Ellis coined this term to describe a basic truth - humans are not perfect. Recognizing that you can make mistakes is the first step to making peace with yourself.

It's not easy. Accept that sometimes you will perform well and sometimes you will make mistakes and fail. A person is the sum of all their parts, not just good or bad.

2- Love yourself, especially in tough times

I am not encouraging you to feel sorry for yourself, no. I am encouraging you to love yourself in every situation.

Yes, you have made mistakes. But that doesn't mean you deserve to be attacked and censured, especially by yourself.

Psychologists say that a mother's love is unconditional and does not depend on what children are like or what they do. Allow this unconditional love to be with you always.

3. Reconsider extreme self-criticism

When your inner voice makes critical judgments, soften those thoughts by using other words. If you think "I'm useless," tell yourself, "Not everything I do happens the way I would like it to."

Restate your opinion of yourself in a positive way.

The above are just examples, use your own words. The idea is not to lower the bar, but rather to focus on what you can improve - criticism makes you stuck.

I suggest 2 exercises you can use to revisit all your self-criticism:

The Critical and Compassionate Chair Exercise

This exercise was suggested by Kristin Neff for working with self-criticism.

Take 3 chairs and arrange them in a triangle shape.

1 chair is the "criticizing chair." Sit on the chair and loudly state your thoughts and feelings about a situation.

Chair 2 is the "criticized" chair. Move to the second chair - how do you feel when your inner critic speaks out? The goal is to empathize with yourself.

Chair 3 - "compassionate." The third chair, the "compassionate observer" chair, allows you to look at the situation from the outside. Sit in this chair and answer the questions - what does your "compassionate self" say? What value can self-criticism have? Is it really necessary?

This practice will help you dig deeper into your motives and reasons for non-acceptance, and teach you to treat yourself with more understanding and kindness.

Compassionate Writing Exercise

The purpose of this exercise is to write a letter to yourself as if you were addressing a friend who is being too hard on themselves. The letter will help you soften negative emotions and become kinder to yourself.

This letter is a space to express what you are experiencing and how you are feeling. Then focus on how you want to feel. Write yourself something encouraging and inspiring.

You can record yourself on video or audio and listen to the recording the next day.

The purpose of listening to your own voice is to step back some distance and look at yourself without being emotionally attached.

If you regularly write or shoot compassionate letters to yourself, you automatically start talking about yourself in a positive and approving way.

4. Be compassionate to others

When you watch a dog get hit by a car, you don't judge the dog's actions - you feel pity for the animal. But when someone makes a mistake, we judge the behavior rather than offer support.

Compassion for ourselves begins with compassion for others. Compassion for others begins with compassion for ourselves. Compassion is multidimensional and parallel. Learn to simply be there for the person and speak comforting words. It doesn't matter if it's someone else or yourself.

"Truly kindness is the province of the strong."